i've been thinking about this a lot, lately. i don't know why it's bothering me so much right now, but i guess it's just a time in my life where so much is in progress, changeing, transforming that it is just something i need to think of. right now.
this would be: the topic of the month. or even year. or even our lives?
how to make the right decisions.
somehow i am a complete laissez-faire, everything will turn out fine, what's meant to be will be, don't force it, it will come to you person. mostly. and then again: i'm not. my drive, my expectations on myself, my life-plan (i never knew i had one until now. sounds like i'm working for an insurance company..!) doesn't allow me to leave everything up to..whom anyways?
sometimes i also think that i have to make the right decision right now, i have to work hard (now, all the time, every time, always), otherwise nothing will happen (i don't know exactly what's supposed to happen. but still). also i am scared of getting stuck or being stuck (and maybe not even recognizing this). does that make sense?
when i look at my parents (my mom especially) i know where all this is coming from. but that doesn't help me right now.
well, right now it's all about going to the studio, finishing our album. so: is this it? are the lyrics ok? is there anything else i would like to sing/write/do? these are things i have to decide right now. not an easy one for me.
are the tracks finished? do we need any more instruments?
somehow- even when i read this right now it scares me. everything seems so final. now or never.
well then, on the other hand i was seeing that i am loosing my lightness and fun because of the pressure i put in myself (i can work very well with pressure put on me from outside. but not with pressure i put on myself..). so: this is hopefully not the last album i'll ever make. so if there are mistakes i can do it better next time. and: it's not about making the perfect album anyhow. and: it still is fun. and: pressure doesn't make it any better. and: i've been working on this for the last 3 years or so. so i can finish it and move on and let it go. haha. not so easy but i'll try.
so. and after reading this to myself again: man, i'm just scared about finally finishing the album. that's ok. it just means a lot (a LOT!) to me.
then: it's all about moving. we're moving to new york in february. hooray. not forever. maybe yes. but this is also not a decision i can make right now nor can i make it myself (yes, there's a family involved..;-)). also scary, but way more exciting.
and then: i am a real Rotschopf now. thought blonde was a bit boring after so many years. why not go red(ish). it was really Chris Lohner (in case you know her) right after the friseur.
my boyfriend kept asking me when the train was going to leave. or what will be on TV tomorrow.
but now it's more strwaberry/vanilla. makes me feel more comfortable. and not regretting this decision. as i did when i saw myself in the mirror for the first time after coloring my hair. that was a shock.
and then again: it's only hair. well yes.
so this is it for now.
picture 1: day one.
picture 2: now.
sincerly yours. bye bye.
ps: maybe making the wrong decision also works? maybe wrong decisions are not wrong anyways? maybe one is lucky anyways because making a decision means that you at least can D E C I D E?? S T O P.
what i found out: working helps. just do it and don't think about it too much. go, go, go!